Love and Logic...???

I just completed a 6 week parenting seminar called "Love and Logic". I even got a certificate with my name on it that proudly states I am now ready to raise my children with confidence! Out with the old ineffective way of parenting and in with the new! I am on the road to successful, respectful, kind, loving and pleasurable kids! The only problem is...ME! I'd like to trade myself in for a better model...

Even though I haven't been at this parenting-thing for very long, I'm already set in my ways. You see, I was raised an only child. I didn't have siblings to fight with or toys that I constantly I had to share. When I wanted the last ice cream sandwich, I didn't have to manipulate my younger brother into eating a Popsicle instead. No negotiations were needed when my favorite t.v. show came on and my siblings wanted to watch something else; I just watched it. There was no need to secretly wonder if I was Mom's favorite or if my brother was smarter than me. Being an only child does have its advantages. However, what I've learned through watching my children interact with each other and me trying to guide them in their decision making is: I wasn't prepared for the REAL world of parenting!

Love and Logic says: "Empathy, not anger." We spent a whole session practicing our "empathy" phrase. Like: "How sad" or "Oh, bummer" or "Awwww...". The second rule is "give choices". I went home that day armed with my empathy phrase at the ready...if anybody could be empathic, it was a mom like me! I was prepared to give my children a plethora of choices..."Would you like to wear your blue shirt or your green one?" I was ready for my first test of real parenting!

Finally, just a mere two minutes after I picked up my 5 and 3 year olds from school, I had my first opportunity to use my new skills. Aidan was not in a good mood and he wanted me to carry him, along with his backpack, nap mat and lunch bag, to the other end of the church to get his brother. I immediately knelt down beside him and said sweetly, "Aidan, would you like to carry your backpack or your lunch bag?" A scowl appeared on his face. "You carry me," he demanded. "No. Mommy has too much to carry and we have a long way to walk. Could you help me and choose to carry your backpack or your lunch?" again, I asked sweetly and with a fake smile on my face. The tears started coming, his voice grew louder, his arms held high above his head, "No. You carry me!" Hmmmm? Okay, no problem, I thought, I'll try empathy. "Oh, bummer. Mommy can't carry you. I know that makes you sad, I feel your pain, I really do!" I again said, my words dripping with honey. I felt very confident in my empathy phrase, after all, I had practiced it all morning! The loud wailing and stomping of tiny feet filled the church halls. Aidan refused to budge and a full-blown temper tantrum was his apparent choice. My memory quickly scanned the "Love and Logic" manual. He didn't like empathy nor my choices....I started to panic, which is yet another rule...to stay calm! As the wailing grew louder and the "I'm-glad-that's-your-kid-and-not-mine" looks from the other mothers caught my eye, my mind drew a complete blank. I did what any mother would do in a situation such as this: I left him. I could hear him screaming after me like I had abandoned him on the side of a busy freeway. I nonchalantly called back to him..."Come on, Aidan. Mommy has to get brother, follow me if you want too." I was proud of myself. I conquered at least one rule...I was calm...well, I appeared to be anyway. I held my head high and walked with a false stride of confidence. This was just a minor set-back, I convinced myself. Finally, half way to my destination, a weary, red-faced, drippy-nosed three year old started running after me. I knelt down, and he ran into my arms. I hugged him, wiped his nose and said, "Would you like to carry your backpack or your lunch bag?" He chose his lunch bag, and with defeat written all over his face, we walked to Andrew's classroom. Wow! It had worked! I passed my first test! I was a Love and Logic Parent!

Since winning this battle, I have lost far too many. I find myself growing irritated with my empathy words and instead hear myself barking commands like a drill Sergeant...."Because I said so!" or "Now! We're late! Do you need a spanking?" My instructor would probably rip up my new certificate with profound empathy and sadness for failing so miserably. Thankfully, I'm not alone. My friend, Jennifer, and I ask each other weekly how "Love and Logic" is going like it's a new diet we're trying to conquer. I'm so glad she is as set in her ways as I am.